xmas.

One more day before Christmas holidays…

Cant come soon enough. I need a break.

I have a feeling that 2010 will bring change. That will hopefully bring some sort of happiness. Some sort of level of content.

What did 2009 bring?? I faced a cancer scare, a long-distance relationship and my father’s illness... It’s been a hard year… Perhaps my view of things has changed. May be I’m realizing what I need than that what I want.

I’m blessed with a great family.
I’m blessed with some pretty amazing friends.

As much as our relationship is battered and bruised, I’m grateful for another Christmas with my father. I’m still dealing with what happened in November, attempting to face my emotions over it.

when it rains it pours.

Tuesday my world could have ended…
That if I had done something different, he might not have been here today.

Everything stops as you watch EMS trying to get a response from someone you love. Someone who can barely stay awake, let alone answer their questions. Sitting in the back of the ambulance trying not to shake as the paramedics ask you questions you have no answer to, that as far as you knew he was doing ok these last couple of days.

Looking down at the empty pill bottles in your hands, wishing you knew how much he had took or when he had taken them. Hoping that most of them were pretty much empty before he took them.

As the doctor told me that they might need to put in a tube to help him breathe, it took my own breath away. In the moment, it became harder to breathe myself. Up until that point, I was strong. Trying to not let emotions get to me.

It replays in my mind over and over... i want to scream. i want it to stop. I constantly need to try and focus on anything else. Perhaps i should have taken the last few days off from work but really its whats keeping me functioning. i need to be on top of things, everyone expects me to. Im the one that has to know the status of him and how things are.

I feel like I cant even breathe anymore.

Inside My Head...

I’m starting to realize why im so drained all the time…
I’m in this constant state of stress…

My dad struggles from bi-polar and depression…
He’s been in the hospital more times that I can remember in the past 3 years.
I’m grateful that he gets himself there on the bad days, the days that he just doesn’t feel comfortable being with himself.

It breaks my heart that I can’t help him.
That he has all this pain.

Family meetings with the doctors leave me devastated.
How do you talk about your dad in that subject?? How do you deal with the fact that there is apart of someone you love that doesn’t want to live anymore? When he’s the one person who is always supposed to be stronger than you?

It never gets any easier. I worry everyday about him.

Then there is…
I’m scared shitless of my next breast ultrasound.
I’ve never been so scared of a 6-letter word. Cancer.
I know it’s beatable if it turns out to be that.

A year ago they found a lump…
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that doctor’s appointment...
The look of concern that fell on the doctor’s face as she did the exam, had another doctor came in to have a feel as well. Handing me a stack of papers to get ultrasounds and blood work done… Telling me to start taking a lot of Vitamin D…

‘You are too young so don’t worry’
Later in the week, seeing an article about how more young women are getting it now. Ugh!
Takes about 6 weeks to get in to get an ultrasound. More than enough time to get yourself completely freaked out.

I remember the moment I told my mom. Hearing the emotion in her voice as she told me that everything would be ok.

The first ultrasound they weren’t sure…
I’m now being monitored for growth… Next ultrasound is in a few weeks…
It will help determine if they will do a biopsy…
It could be nothing but can we please rule some stuff out already.
Can I get some answers already?

Everyone says that I’m so strong, then why does it feel that I’m ready to break…
I put on this brave face...
Make myself laugh when I can…

Don’t tell me my life is perfect.
Don’t tell me I don’t have anything to stress out about.
Because you don’t know anything about my life and you don’t care to know.
Next time you say ‘must be nice to get time off’, ask me why…
I’d much rather be at work. I hate doctors and hospitals.

TGIF!

It’s been a short week due to the Thanksgiving holiday but really it feels like it’s been the longest week in awhile… I’m so ready for it to be 430pm and it too be over.

Horrible weather on Tuesday and Wednesday, brought havoc in many ways… I got stuck on the side of a main road here in Calgary on Wednesday morning. One of the days that I’m actually glad to still be working at this dealership… Two lot guys came over with one of the trucks and pulled me out, surprisingly only being late for work by about 30 minutes. I felt a little defeated by it but it could have been a lot worse as the city struggled to commute in the 5cm snowfall of the previous night. It took a pep talk to get through the drive on Thursday morning but by then, the roads were only a little icy.

First major snowfall of the year ALWAYS means busy for this industry… People realizing that they need new winter tires or getting tires switched from their summers. To those that all of a sudden feel the need they need to do everything to their car to get through the winter; Oil Changes, Winter Packages & etc. They decide that they need it as soon as possible and feel the need to show their frustrations when they can’t understand why we’re so busy. Maybe because just like you are, everyone is freaking out over the snow Then there are the break downs and accidents, bring a flow of tow trucks in and out of the parking lot.

Now that the snow is melting, the dealership is getting back to normal…. The panic is over, for now anyways. People will go back to putting it off again leading to another mad dash. UGH!

Going for drinks with A after work… Long Overdue…
She’s joining the military…. She’s bad-ass I know. It means limited time left before they steal her away  I’ve decided I’ll be her military wife… hehe… Care Packages will include Nail Polish, Fashion Magazines & Mini Eggs…

MISSING!!!!!

My Mickey Mouse Mug.....

What a great day to start the day.
Now drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup...
Blah!

love this song.

just one of those nights...

Maybe its my quarter life crisis...
I find myself remising lately to a few years back.

I was in college, playing soccer still, working as a bartender at a restaurant and had a group of super awesome tight friends. We worked together, hung out together and some even fell in love with each other. There was always something going on... Hitting up Outlaws for .25 cent draft night. Or hitting Toms House of Pizza pretty much every night after work just to chill (sometimes on nights off too).

We had a softball team every summer.... I dont think we ever won but it was hilarious. Pretty much getting some sun and drinking was the main goal of it for us.

Or the fact for 3 years everyone was convinced that Mark and I were dating.... Nope... Just really good friends. Do I blame them? Nope. We spent a lot of time together and probably flirted on a somewhat regular basis. He was the guy I could go to about anything, he took care of me. Even bringing me McD's in the mornings I had to work horribly hungover lol. The first time my mom ever saw me 'drunk drunk' was when he drove me home one night from the bar... She just laughed at me...

Or when Kendra screamed 'Get your own damn ketchup' from the expo line that she and i were working on, on a stupid busy Friday night, as the servers were harassing us while we were trying to push the plates of food out...

That place saw me go through 2 relationships... They kept me going when I was devasted by the break up of one.

We all pulled together to help Chrissy through her pregnancy of little Dason...

For people outside of it, it was just a restaurant. For those that worked there, it was life. We were like family.

But like how life goes... things changed, people drifted. I still talk to a few of them...

I find myself missing those days.
I miss school like crazy.

I dont like this getting older stuff...

Been Thinking...

You know I figured I would be almost ruling the world by now (not actually but I’m sure you know what I mean)…

Looking around, I feel like I’m nowhere near where I should be.

Leaving this job is long overdue but I’m not sure where to go from here. I need something better than this. More rewarding; Photography won’t pay the bills for awhile.

The photography stuff is coming together; I shoot way more than use to. Fabulous!!!!!!
Even planning to design a business card in the next month and start looking into setting up a company website, which currently seems like a daunting task because I have soo little time lately.

Was out with the girls last night for the first time in a while due my schedule and such; I really miss nights like that. I miss my girls and our nights. Just nice to sit back, have wine and laugh. I need more of this.

I want to go to surf camp in Tofino with the girls.
I want to backpack through Europe or Australia & New Zealand.
There was a thought of going to Thailand to ride an elephant through the jungle, like my friends had on their trip.
I want to go back to NYC and skip through Times Square.

I guess I’m starting to realize I’ve putting a lot of things on the back burner.
I’ve put so much energy into other things that I forgot about me. My dreams as me, myself and I.

I’ve been complacent for too long now.
I need to move away from that. I need to start challenging myself again and taking leaps.

Welcome Back, Miss Lindsey :)

can't stop listening to....

Some things we don't talk about
better do without
and just hold a smile
falling in and out of love
a scene their proud of
together all the while

You can never say never while we don't know it
time and time again
younger now then we were before
dont let me go, dont let me go, dont let me go
dont let me go, dont let me go, dont let me go

Picture you're the queen of everything
as far as the eye can see
under your command
I will be your guardian from all that's coming down
steady your hand

You can never say never while we don't know it
time time and time again
younger now then we were before
dont let me go, dont let me go, dont let me go
dont let me go, dont let me go, dont let me go.

We're falling apart,
we're coming together,
again and again
we're crawling apart,
but we're falling together,
falling together
together again

don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go. (oh oh oh)
don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go. (ohhhh ohhh)
don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go. (ohhh ohhh)
don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go.(ohohhohhh)

Never Say Never - The Fray.

am i ready for this :)

I just booked my first paying photography event… holy crap…

I’ve done stuff for friends including a wedding, just to gain experience…

A community college graduation…. Its 2 months away, which gives me a bit of time to prepare. I’m nervous about it, questioning if I’m ready for it but I need to start taking leaps to make this dream become a reality.

I really need to start getting my name out….

Wish me luck.

Typical.

The Un-Realistic Crush.....

Zachary Quinto

Oddly Enough, playes.....

Spock!!!!!

He's also on Heroes :)

Update: Turns Out He's Gay. Of Course.

Remembering Michael.

Can we remember the music legend instead of the troubled man???

I never agreed with the personal choices he made. The life he chose to live.
But I still loved him. I loved the music.The music that became a part of my life.
That when someone asked me yesterday what my favorite song was by him, it took me a moment… There’s soo many good songs….

That last night I blared ‘Billy Jean’ the whole way home after hearing of his passing The song that if I was having a shitty ass day, could always put a smile on my face and get me dancing.

Thriller.
The Free Willy theme song….
School Dances…
Remembering everyone trying to do a decent moonwalk…
He was apart of all of our lives. Im sure we all have a moment that includes his music.

He was always a favorite. People questioned and gave me grief about it.
He lived very different life than pretty much everyone.
Bred to be a child star. Emotional & Phyiscal Abuse.
His whole life has been in the spotlight.
He never had a childhood. Searched constantly for one.

I think we all would be at least a little fucked up if we were in the situation.
Child Stars always seem to fall tragically.

That behind the superstar we made, that there was a man struggling.
Mentally. Financally.

Not to say that certain actions are condoned by this…

Is it fair that even after he has left the world that we still ridicule and joke about his life?
What was done, was done. Move on. Focus on the good, instead of the bad.

Let us see the little boy in Jackson 5.
To remember the great things he did.
To realize that no one is perfect. Mistakes are made.
That he should be remember in history for his music and that alone.

Thank you for your music.
For the way you changed music.
May you live forever as a legend.

Rest In Peace, MJ.