Tuesday my world could have ended…
That if I had done something different, he might not have been here today.
Everything stops as you watch EMS trying to get a response from someone you love. Someone who can barely stay awake, let alone answer their questions. Sitting in the back of the ambulance trying not to shake as the paramedics ask you questions you have no answer to, that as far as you knew he was doing ok these last couple of days.
Looking down at the empty pill bottles in your hands, wishing you knew how much he had took or when he had taken them. Hoping that most of them were pretty much empty before he took them.
As the doctor told me that they might need to put in a tube to help him breathe, it took my own breath away. In the moment, it became harder to breathe myself. Up until that point, I was strong. Trying to not let emotions get to me.
It replays in my mind over and over... i want to scream. i want it to stop. I constantly need to try and focus on anything else. Perhaps i should have taken the last few days off from work but really its whats keeping me functioning. i need to be on top of things, everyone expects me to. Im the one that has to know the status of him and how things are.
I feel like I cant even breathe anymore.
